6 Ways to Deal with Feeling Inadequate

A few weeks ago I was a trainer at a four-day seminar to help European high school students prepare for their application for colleges in the US. On the first day of the program, it became clear how most of the participants felt like they should not be there, guilty of even dreaming of attending an elite university.

My goal from that moment was to shift their mindset. I saw huge potential in each one of them, and they needed to understand that too. Throughout the entire weekend, I covered these 5 points that I’m now going to share with you.

And it worked!

During the final feedback round, almost everyone said how after the weekend they now felt more confident about themselves and that they can have a real chance at their dream school.

That is how I want you to feel when you finish reading this post.

1. Brainstorm a list of your wins

It is natural to feel like you haven’t achieved much – especially when there are so many “cooler” people who have seemingly done so much more with their amazing lives.

Know your worth! To remember how great you actually are, list down at least 5 accomplishments you’re proud of. You do not need to be extremely humble here, the list is for your eyes only.

Now whenever you feel inadequate, just go back to this list and remind yourself of all the incredible things you’re accomplished, been through, or are proud of.

These things could include:
-Have been an inspiring and helpful daughter
-I always help my friends with their relationship issues
-Joined a novice debate team, even though I am scared of public speaking
-Decided to chase my dream to go to an elite university, and now I read That Harvard Girl regularly to make it happen 😉

As you can see, you do not need to win the Science Olympiad or be invited to the White House to feel accomplished. Working a part-time job at your local supermarket is still an incredible milestone that you should cherish. It’s not about what you do, but what you can learn from it.

2. Talk to students in your dream school or job

This is because 99% of them are just normal people. Just browsing social media or hearing urban myths about how incredibly talented every Ivy League student is can make you very intimidated.

So stop the scrolling now.

You should try to meet some of them in person. Spending enough time with them makes you realize how normal they are and how typical lives they are leading. You probably even have better grades or extracurriculars than some of them!

You might think that “well, now that they are in this school, their life is awesome”.

I wish that was true. But it’s far from the truth.

Even after getting into a dream school, most students still feel inadequate and report experiences of imposter syndrome. Sometimes they start to feel even more inadequate than before now that they are surrounded by more talent than before.

This is why I think it is even more important to understand your feeling of inadequacy and take action early on.

3. Understand the root cause of your feelings

When you are feeling like you are not good enough, it’s not a random feeling coming out of nowhere. There is always a reason, if not several behind it.

For this, you should grab a pen and paper. Write down your answers to the following:

What are your reasons for working to achieve your goals?

Do you want to make your family proud? Show off to your friends? Make yourself proud?

Are you too hard on yourself? Are there areas in your life where you could cut yourself some slack?

Most people – myself included – suffer from too much perfectionism from time to time. Perfectionism, which means aiming at perfection in most or all areas of your life, is healthy in moderation, but it can also get out of hand.

Wanting to be the best you can be, and wanting to produce good work, is not a bad thing. It’s an admirable quality in a person. But when you’re feeling inadequate because you’re not perfect, I try to think objectively: if my friend was telling me she was feeling like this, how would I react?

Here is another useful technique I personally learned to use in therapy to figure out root feelings:

Take 5-10 minutes to write a worst-case scenario. Let’s say you put hours and hours of work into your college application to make it perfect, but still got rejected. That is the worst-case scenario.

Try to write a story about the moment you read the rejection letter with your parents. What is the worst that could happen? How would it feel if that happened? Try to describe your feelings in as much detail as possible. After you’re finished, read it to yourself.

Often we feel stressed and anxious without exactly knowing why. Letting yourself write freely about your fears should help you gain insight into where they are actually coming from.
Hopefully, you will realize that even the outcomes that we are most afraid of will not ruin our lives. There will always be a way.

I have found this technique so helpful. I can be more rational and understand better where the feelings are coming from so that I can better deal with them the right way. Disappointments are a part of life, but you can change how you react to them. You can either dwell on the negativity and inadequacy or focus on the positivity and opportunity to learn.

For me, these positive feelings make all the difference; they drag me out of the seemingly bottomless pit of thinking I’m not good enough.

3. Mindfulness techniques

As cliche as it may sound, some mindfulness techniques can actually help you. Simply go to YouTube, and look for some affirmations or visualizations about success, especially school related.

Some examples are here and here.

Just one affirmation session once a month will not do the trick. You should aim multiple times a week, maybe even every morning! It can still be just 5-10 minutes, and you can even do it while running, taking a shower, eating, or doing other activities. Try out a few different ones until you find your favorites.

4. Understand your mind

Mindfulness helps with this too. If you study human psychology, you’ll find so many interesting things about how we make decisions.
When you think that you are not good enough or someone hates you, your mind looks for all possible reasons to confirm that what you’re thinking is true. This is known as confirmation bias.

Even when you succeed, you may think something like “well, everyone got a good grade from this exam”, or “it was just luck.” But when you fail, you think it was all because of you not being good enough.

At the moment I struggle with this the most when it comes to my dancing. After a bad practice or competition, my mind tries to scream “you can’t dance at all, you should quit!” When I have a good practice session, I still tend to focus on the negatives. Of course, it is important for self-development to notice areas for improvement, but finding the balance here is key. Celebrate your wins, and learn from your mistakes.

Luckily, we already created a list of wins in the first point, so when you realize your mind fooling you, go back to that list.

5. Everyone else feels the same

“I’m the stupidest person in this entire school!”

Sounds familiar? Remember that everyone just thinks about themselves. Remember when two weeks ago your friend stuttered when your math teacher asked him to answer a question about an equation? You don’t, but he probably does. We all have those moments of going to sleep cringing at something we did in the past. We all tend to remember the best in others and the worst in ourselves.

Well, everyone else does this too, so in their mind, you are amazing and perfect while they are an utter disaster.

What would you say to that friend?

Now, what would you say to yourself?

When I came to college, I felt like I was the dumbest in the room. Whatever I said at discussion tables sounded illogical, and people probably didn’t even understand me with my foreign accent… As time went on, I would see other people have their “I’m the worst!!” moments as well, making me realize how universal this feeling is.

6 “Fake it till you make it” and be patient

Can you recall a time in your life when you felt like you were way behind everyone? How did you feel when you started high school, or maybe a new hobby?

We are all beginners at some point, and whatever makes you feel inadequate now, you can practice and become better. With that, you have to accept that you may think you’re not good enough for some time. Even when you’re actively working to change your mindset, it takes time.

But how can you practice your mindset with this?

When you’re presented with an opportunity, go for it! Even if you think you’ll fail.

Failure teaches more than success.

I have had a lot of those moments where I’ve gone all in for an opportunity, even if I didn’t succeed. I tried out for the debate team in college (didn’t make it), and went to my first dance competition in the US (didn’t win). Last year, I got rejected from multiple internships before getting an offer. Do I regret anything? Not really.

You are good enough – and I hope that with these 6 points you can start realizing it.